Your House Isn't Haunted

Many people try everything in their power to convince others that their houses are the centers of paranormal activities. Those words coming outta their mouths are utter bullshit. People who have seen ghosts (without trying to) don't really feel the need to tell random strangers. It's okay, I have a couple of people in my big family who, unfortunately, can see and hear things. Muhahaha to you guys.

Anyway, this is how you survive in a haunted house:
1. Don't shower alone. Bring a friend into the tub, make sure it's loco with amigos.
2. But if you have no choice, use a shower cap, ghosts tend to pull your hair and stuff.
3. When you hear knocking on the door at the most unexpected hours (like 6 am), ignore it.
4. When you hear voices from inside an empty room, go inside and join in.
5. When the door opens for you or closes behind you all by itself, say thank you.
6. When you hear the sound of any of your furniture being moved, tell them to keep it down. If it doesn't work, then call 911, they could be thieves.
7. Don't chill in the kitchen during peak hours, chucky may come visit.
8. Oh, and speaking of chucky, don't even look at ugly dolls.
9. When lights flicker, tell them to make up their minds. On? Or off?
10. When some of your items are missing, well that's just annoying. Bust them out. Don't fear like little gay soldiers.
11. When you see shadow people, either look away or say hi.
12. Don't have pets, they have that sixth sense that will make you more aware of the fact that you're not alone.
13. If you feel like you're being watched, then watch something to distract you. Lol, pull a restraining order on the ghost's ass.
14. Hear a woman's cry? Tell her to stop being such a baby.
15. If you feel like someone's sitting on your bed, then you're gonna get lucky.
16. Strange smells? Could be you.
17. If you see floating objects (Omg, Hermione?), don't forget to compliment the ghost on such skills.
18. Don't check under the bed or in the closet, that's just tacky.